Friday, December 31, 2010

2010: The End Before the Beginning

Well it's the last day of 2010, and I woke up in a bad mood.  So here I am blogging, instead of baking cookies for the New Year's Eve party we are going to tonight.  I don't really care to go anyway, but the hubby wants to, so I will for him.  It is just going to be a bunch of drunk people, and me, sitting there pregnant and sober, listening to everyone get louder and louder.

For the most part of 2010 it was a typical year for us.  Most of the same ups and downs as usual, mostly money related.  For a long time my fianc√© (David) and I have been wanting to have a baby.  Once a month I would be wondering if the day or two of my period being late meant something, only to have it start the same day I break down and buy a test.  We were both being let down month after month.  Eventually I just gave up, and figured it will happen when it happens.  But along came August.  I was trying my hardest not to get my hopes up, but on the Saturday that my period was exactly a week late, I decided that it was time to buy a test.

I made David stop at the pharmacy on our way home from work and I tried to discreetly buy a test.  I didn't want him to know because he was always just as let down as I was to find out there was no baby on the way.  So if this time it was negative, he would be none the wiser.  But the silly man insisted on coming inside with me, and I almost got caught.  I tucked the test away under the bathroom sink until the morning.

When I got up bright and early the next morning for work, my first pee of the day was onto that stick.  Instantly, 2 lines appeared before I even had a chance to put it down and read their definitions of the lines.  They say to let the test sit for 10 minutes, but I didn't have to.  Those 2 lines just kept getting darker and darker , and when I read what it meant, I was in shock.  I didn't get over the moon excited like I thought I would.  It was more like a calm washed over me.  I'm not sure what it was, whether I suddenly had second thoughts, or it was the feeling of reality setting in, but I most definitely was happy.  And so was David as soon as I told him.

We were going to try to wait until I at least saw the doctor before we started telling the world, but the next day he begged me to be able to tell people, since he was so excited.  We did.  My mom screamed a lot, in a good way.  She has been asking for a grandchild for a couple years as if we can produce one on her command, or her asking why it hasn't happened yet would actually produce an answer.  She would sound angry, as if we weren't trying.  Which only made me feel worse about the situation.  I mean, we were a few months away from consulting a doctor.

My friend, always the pessimist, was the only one I had told that I "thought" I was pregnant, at work the day I decided to get a test.  Her reply was "it's probably just stress, my period get's all fucked up too".  That was not the reply I was looking for, and at that point I already knew she was wrong.  A couple days late in that case, yes, but not a whole week.  So when I saw her at work the next morning and she gave me the look that asked "yes or no?" I said yes, and she gave me the most fake enthusiasm I have ever received from anyone.  For quite a few weeks after that she barely spoke to me, and if she did there was no mention of the new life growing in my uterus.  It wasn't until recently that she started acknowledging it on her own.  I don't want to speculate at jealousy, she always said she never wanted kids.  And even when I was jealous of all the other women having babies except me, I would still be very excited for them, even live a little vicariously through them.

David's mom seemed to have no words for the news except "oh my", but in a happy way.  His parents are elderly (in their mid 70's) and it was hard to gauge how she was feeling about it.  They are pretty religious, and I'm sure in the back of her mind there was something saying "but they aren't married yet!", but she never vocalized that to us.  His father seemed giddy in his typical cute way, and nowadays they both seem quite interested.  She showed me some of the clothes she has bought already and she was very excited at each item she pulled out of the bag.

I don't really have any close friends, so it has been nice when co-workers want to talk about my progress, and inevitably compare it to their's previous.  I have an acquaintance from an old job who is about a month ahead of me in her pregnancy, so I have reconnected with her, she has already given me a pair of her maternity jeans that she grew out of.  I also found someone in town who is at the same point in her pregnancy as me on a community website, and being her 3rd, her advice has been valuable.

David and I are both only children, and are the first of our friends to have a baby that we are keeping together.  So we really don't have much to go on, it's a huge learning experience.

In my next post I will talk a little more about the other bumps I have encountered so far in this pregnancy.  When your dream finally comes true, not everything else falls smoothly into place.  Life continues to happen, good or bad.

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