Dear; Roommate

It's early in the morning, and you and your girlfriend rise.  It is not the sound of you puttering around that wakes me, it's the incessant clicking sound the bowl of your bucket apparatus makes as you tap it on the side of your glass ashtray to clean it out in preparation for a new day.  Then comes the hacking.  The kind of coughing only winners make as they start their day.

As you both leave the house, you are sure to slam the door hard.  I suggest you try harder, especially when we are sleeping.  You aren't leaving the house with any specific purpose.  You drive your girlfriend to work in her car, only to bring the car home and sit in your room all day.  Why do you need the car?  You don't go anywhere.  You could be out looking for a job, or an apartment, or even just visiting friends to avoid sitting on your bed until the sun goes down.  But there you sit, constantly smoking weed and Skyping with other girls.  Does your girlfriend of 4 years know you do this?  Highly unlikely.  She is at work, like normal people, making a living so you can sit around and do nothing.

You generally head into the kitchen to make yourself a tea.  You use a brand new mug, not the one you used only once previously.  When you are done that tea, you make another one, with another new mug, leaving all the mugs on the counter for someone else to wash.  Despite my wonderful husband taking hours to wash all the dishes in the house the night before, come the end of the day, every single dish is once again dirty, untouched by anyone from your party.  The garbage overflows, because clearly your mother never showed you how to change the bag.  It's not your fault.

We work 12 hours a day, but we come home and are the ones to clean everything.  Our coffee table is littered with garbage.  And although we are very much guilty of some of the mess, you are just as well.  But don't trouble yourself!  Leave it there, and we will take care of it.  After all, you are more like a guest than a rent paying roommate.  You AND your girlfriend, who was not part of the deal and has a home to go back to, but insists on being here more than half the time.  But I digress.

When we are home, you are always around.  Most days we just want to relax and enjoy each other's company when we get home from that 12 hour shift.  But you and your girlfriend insist on sitting on that other couch right beside us and being loud.  She making stupid and annoying comments at the TV, shrieking at anything scary or laughing far louder than necessary.  You talking non stop about music, video games, or conspiracy theories.  After a couples hours of this, I'm ready to give up on life.  We had to take to hiding in our room for a while, until you seemingly got the point.  You don't come around much anymore, you hibernate in your room.  Only to come out and turn the oven on high when it's not even cold in here and make more tea and use more mugs.

I suppose you aren't a complete slacker.  You have big dreams, big ambitions.  But your pesky laziness is holding you back.  It should be a disability, shouldn't it?  That way, you could collect a cheque every month, just like you are now from Welfare, only it would be considered a little less shameful.  You applied to school, and miraculously got accepted.  But of course, you are banking on the government paying for all of it.  I try to act excited for you, and a little hopeful.  But we all know that even if all these plans work out, and if you actually finish the whole course and graduate, you will soon realize you either can't find a job in that industry, or you will remember that you hate working.

You have chosen to go to school for something music production related.  That's cool, it's what you enjoy.  Bust your options are highly limited.  You know that.  You may finish school and then just go back to sitting on your ass, waiting for someone to hand you a job.  You are going to wait a very very long time.  All that education will go to waste.  And let's just say for the sake of imagination that you are handed a job, it won't last long.  You will have to get up early, every day no doubt, and unless it's on your terms that just doesn't work for you.

I could go on, I feel like I have hours of complaints.  But I keep going back to one thought:

ONLY 5 MORE DAYS FUCK YEAH MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

I have no idea where you are going to go.  You have not looked for an apartment, but I don't care.  You were given 2 months notice to get your shit together, and every other human on the planet can do so in that time.  You will have to find someone else's couch to live on, and somewhere else to store your shit.  That room belongs to the baby now, and it's time to GTFO so we can decorate.  If you aren't gone on the 1st, your stuff will be on the patio on the 2nd.  

I don't care where you go, just go.

Dear; "Friend"

You have offered to put on my baby shower.  That's a wonderful offer, and I appreciate it.  But lets go over why this can never happen.

First of all, we do work together.  Yet you hardly ever talk to me in the work place.  Granted, we don't work on the same line, but our lockers are in the same row, and some days you don't even acknowledge my presence.  When we do talk, it's hardly ever more than mindless small talk, like any other co-workers would engage in.

Secondly, you rarely, if ever, text me or message me outside of work.  I can't even remember the last time we hung out in a group, let alone together.  Oh that's right, you used me for a ride to IKEA.  You bought me lunch, yes, and that was nice, but how about inviting me over?  Nope.  You always say "we should get together soon", but our interaction never goes beyond that.  Hell, you don't even comment on anything of mine on Facebook.

Yes, it's true that at one time you and I were very good, very close friends.  Dare I even say you were my best friend.  In fact, you are the reason my husband and I are together now and having a baby.  But you were always the centre of drama, and when I grew tired of that, it came to my attention that you have been talking shit about me behind my back.  That's when I cut ties with you for good.  But about a year later, I started working with you, and although I tried at first, things have never been able to go back to the way they were.  You always elude that you want to go back to that time, but never make the effort.  I gave up a long time ago.  I just appreciate the fact that we can be civil and even friendly, but I won't waste my energy chasing you.

In the end, the only reason why you want to take charge of my baby shower is because you have always been the "event planner".  You want your name to be associated with any event or gathering, you want to be the one who makes that Facebook event page.  Yes, a baby shower is supposed to be about the mother, but it's still a party, so why can't you get all the credit, right?  I mean, the shower would still be held at my house, which I would have to clean by myself (since you didn't end up helping me before the surprise birthday party for your boyfriend that we had here in the summer), and I would be the one spending the money on food and drinks and whatever else is typical of a baby shower.  But you would get the credit, and that's all that matters.

So I spent the last couple weeks trying to think of a nice way to let you know "thanks but no thanks", and I couldn't come up with anything because sometimes I can be just too nice. I don't want to offend anyone.  But today, you made it very clear that you haven't changed a bit, when it was discovered that you were now making fun of my husband.  A person whom you have known for more than 10 years, much much longer than me.  It was not kosher.  He was far more upset by it than I was, I suppose I was just unsurprised.  But it gave me the incentive to finally tell you that I don't want you planning my shower.  And how do you react?  Like this:

(Actual MSN conversation)

Alysha says
don't worry about the baby shower, i don't need you to set it up.

"Friend" says
Oh ok
Lemme guess, to awkward for me to do something nice for you?

Alysha says
well basically.  in all honesty, we aren't exactly friends anymore... we're acquaintances at best... it just doesn't make sense for you to do it.  i do very much appreciate the offer, but i don't want you to do it.

"Friend" says
Wow, ok cool .... Have a good life ......   ;)  good to know my "friend" doesn't consider me a friend .......
("Friend" goes offline)

I don't even know how to react to that.  It just oozes with grace and maturity.  I'm sorry I took away the opportunity for you to be in the spotlight.  I'm sorry I was being honest.  I'm sorry you are in denial about exactly what kind of relationship we have.

But honestly, I'm not sorry at all.